grieving for the baby we thought we were having

The words caught in my throat as I called the adoption agency and told them we were cancelling the adoption. Nothing felt real. But my husband had made his mind up and I had to support him.
It was the most difficult decision of our lives and put our marriage to the ultimate test. Who can live with the shame of cancelling an adoption? Yet, we discovered we’re not alone. And that’s why I want to share our story.
Rob, now 39, and I met in August 2004 through friends and we married that December. In the spring of 2006, we found out the baby I was 18 weeks pregnant with had Down’s syndrome. I wept into Rob’s arms, convinced we couldn’t look after a child with special needs.
We went to my sister’s house in floods of tears, grieving for the baby we thought we were having. Then there was a knock on the door. It was my sister’s neighbour, who had a little boy with Down’s syndrome.
She smiled, scooped me into a hug and said five vital words. "Congratulations! You’re having a baby." She was right. The Down’s syndrome didn’t matter. The baby was still ours and needed us to be strong.
In November 2006 I gave birth to Ragen. She was a happy baby and we fell in love with her infectious laugh. Rob was such a good dad, always turning her upside down like a monkey while Ragen giggled furiously.
I settled into life in the Down’s syndrome community and one morning I was reading a blog about adopting children with Down’s syndrome from Ukraine. Children were abandoned in orphanages because their parents couldn’t cope. I cried as I saw photos of children the same age as Ragen, helpless children longing for a home.

 http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/felt-shame-guilt-cancelling-adoption-5573029